that instinct..

yesterday was the day that i've told ya about my pointer rite?? guess what, my mum called me this afternoon and asked me about my pointer. hmm nothing i can say. i'm sorry mum..then ,after class.. my friend and i went to tesco for lunch. i can feel the pressure inside, of disappointing my mum's expectation. i felt guilty to my mum because before this i've told her that my mid semester exam almost 2 subjects i managed to get A- and the result was now not as i expected and i was like hell hate myself for no reason.. hmm i wish i can turned the time and go back to the time when i can throw that fucking hell memory of broke up with my bf and study hard and smart. its just, hmmm i don't know. i'm sorry mum, i will do better next time. To compared myself with my sister, she's an engineering student and i'm just a management student. she can managed to get 3 pointer and above. and me? fucking hell can't reached that. what's wrong with me? pressure pressure pressure... thank you Allah for giving me this strength.. sometimes i wish i can differ to increase my pointer but if i finish my study late, how the hell can i help my family? now i'm sacrificing my happy thoughts, my relax time to study and take a lots of subjects in a semester and now, i face this alone. hmmm, its ok tira, its okay. after all when you are working, they don't really see that pointer stuff, all they want is that how do you coop with work stress and how do you manage them. perhaps this disappointment stuff will help me in the future. meaning to say its not easy to be me. the eldest.. sigh.. then in the public itself i cried, dumb.. i ran into the tesco toilet nearby the food court and lock myself inside the washroom and cry cry cry and blaming myself...but now i think i feel better, because i let it all out.